The Invitation

The lush green

Inviting smell of the earth

Sounds of birds singing...

My heart nudges me

Let's go for long walks

Lovely long walks

And forget the rest of the world!

~ Henrietta Decruz

Butterfly

Be all that you were born to be!

It is a journey.

The ugly will pass away

Fade into the past

Beautiful times will come

And walk with you into the sunset.

Do not grieve over what couldn't be

Be excited about all that is coming

Spread your wings and fly away

Spread your wings and fly....

Your story is not over yet! 

~ Henrietta D

There Comes a Time...

There comes a time

In each of our lives

When we decide

That everything superficial

Must go!

The moment when

The truth becomes more dearer

Than every lie

We allowed

To masquerade us.

Wisdom becomes valuable

More than its weight in gold

And folly become unbearable.

We decide to do away with

The pretender

The false faced ones

Because our life

And our time on earth

Are too precious for us

To let pretenders steal them from us.

Goodbye is no longer a bad word

It is a door to let someone go through

And never return.

We realize that truth and folly

Cannot be bedfellows

The twain shall never meet

So why linger on

Hoping for the impossible?

We learn to surrender to Divine wisdom

Cos God knew what He was doing.

Suddenly being alone is not a bad thing

It is enjoying a moment in solitude

Taking in its uniqueness

Enjoying the shades and colors it brings

It is nourishing our soul

Accepting our own uniqueness

And celebrating the specialness

Of others around us

Far away from the din of crowds

Listening to the lapping of waves.

No more compromise

On everything that matters

Yet tolerance is needed

For we will need to wait

Till others understand

What we have understood

And arrive at the same place

Willingly

Until then it just a journey 

Of learning, unlearning and arriving. 

~ Henrietta Decruz

Looking Forward with Enthusiasm

Can you go back in time and retrieve a minute or even a second?

Can a dead person come back to life? Those who died years ago will not come back... Let go...

Let the past go into the 'Past'. Embrace this moment.

Enjoy 'Today'!

I think about the people in our life who didn't make it till today. I remember their dreams, their visions... all that they did with their 'Time' while they were alive and how much is left of what they achieved. How I wish they could come back and complete what they started!! But it is not to be. It makes me think about what I am doing now in a different way.

Does what I do really make a difference? Will it last? Will it change things for the better - for me, for my loved ones, for others, for the time we live in, for the time to come? How do we evaluate the work we do?

I am grateful for the lessons I learned in the last few years. I was able to look into our family tree and see the persons who made a positive difference in our lives and also realize that there were some who did more harm than good! There were some who were entrusted huge legacies and lost them! I was appalled. I realized that we could be making the same mistakes in our lives now... and not even realize it because we are not thinking about the time to come, about the impact we are making in our family, in the lives of people around us.

Do you want to make an impact with your life? Do you want your life to count? There are many who came lived and went... and remained just a statistic... a figure in the population count!

I am sure I do NOT want to be a statistic!! I want to live my life fully, wholly and completely in a meaningful and fulfilling way. I want to do all the good I can... I don't want to waste and fritter away the legacy, the good, the skills, the talents I have been given in 'having fun,' 'doing the in-things' or following the blind crowd that has no head or heart!!!

I'm sure I am not a trend follower... I would like to 'agree' with what I 'follow', 'do,' use my time for or engage my person in!! If they don't fall in with the values I espouse... they don't warrant my attention! They are not important! So if something has to engage me and my time - it had better be good, useful, purposeful and lasting! I guess that will filter out a lot of time-wasters from now on!

So what is your future going to be like? Are you going to allow a rerun of your past to take over the rest of your life? Would you like to open your heart and your mind for something 'New,' 'Fresh' and 'Valuable'? If you do, then the first step is to make a decision about it... Prepare yourself to walk the path ahead of you with confidence and joy. Know that life is a journey and there are many lessons on the way... Take it one day at a time but don't forget to have your long term plans ready too. It is good to have focus and vision. You can make it! Believe!

God made you for a purpose... if you don't know it - ask HIM! If you don't know Him yet, ask Him to reveal Himself to you. You don't have to depend on any person to tell you who God is when He Himself can! So go ahead and ask Him! It is all between you and your Creator!

I want to wish you all the very best for your future!! I am filled with joy and enthusiasm as I begin this part of my life because I have left the past behind and embraced the 'Present' that God has given me!

My Prize Winning Short Story - The Clue

This is a story I wrote as my entry to the All Kerala Story Writing Competition 2016 organized by the Rama Varma Club in Kochi, Kerala.

I am very happy that they selected my entry for a special Consolation Prize! Here is the story I submitted.

THE CLUE

Nayantara sat still. The sun put on a final display of its splendor, its golden light shining over the waves of the sea. Birds were flying home, their graceful forms dotting the sky. The sea was lazy, waves moving silently towards the shores. People walked on the beach, some chatting and others lost in their own world.

No one noticed this lone woman sitting by herself. Lines of worry imprinted on her forehead, the lone witness of her travails.

She took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. A wry smile curled her lips. She had made her decision. The plan was on. Getting through this would decide life and death for her. She got up, slowly picked her belongings and made her way home.

Before she went to sleep that night, Nayantara picked up the old box that had her favorite things. There were paintings, poems, photographs, doodles and tiny things that wouldn’t mean anything to anyone else. These things represented a part of her life. They reminded her of the girl she used to be… happy, curious, full of wonder and trusting. She wanted to pick that girl and hug her… if only she could find her again.

The next morning was like all mornings, hurrying to work, the rush on the bus and the traffic. She worked in a huge campus surrounded by hundreds like her. Yet there was no connection with anyone. She felt like an island in the ocean.

Time at work was dry and dead. The hours flew by, work pressure to meet deadlines, lunchtime with some colleagues who tried to make conversation, waiting for the day to end, the bus ride home.

On the bus she noticed young girls conversing with abandon. An old woman sat gracefully. Her white hair reflecting peace and tranquility. She looked longingly at the woman, trying to find the secret behind the poise and peace of mind.

‘Peace…’ she thought to herself, ‘When will I find peace? How can I make peace with myself and my life… after knowing what I know?’ Her eyes revealed the pain she felt but no one noticed it.

She made herself a cup of tea. The steaming cup welcomed her to relax. She perched herself in her favorite corner, hugged a pillow and picked her cup. She decided it was time to work on her plan.

She pulled out her journal and started a fresh section.

ONE.  The girl in the yellow dress admiring the flowers. She described her memory and relived every bit of it. At the end of it, she could see herself as a little girl with short straight hair smiling at her through the page.

TWO. The adventurer. She smiled as the recalled the trip to the mountains when she was a teen. She and her friends were walking up the stream, singing songs and enjoying the clear sweet air. Up on the top of the mountain they found an old abandoned church. The walls of the church had cracked open after an earthquake centuries ago.  

She peered through the glass windows, wanting to see more. “Let’s go inside,’ she told her friends. No one liked the idea. She took a round of the place and found a way to go inside the church. Her friends decided to come along. What a treasure they found! There were old newspapers of World War II, ancient looking candlesticks, wooden stools, jewelry holders and things of an era gone by. She and her friends carried mementos home to remember this adventurous trip. Her heart bubbled with joy. It was a great discovery.

Nayantara smiled remembering how free she felt that day. She had so much zest to live. Tears formed in her eyes as she sensed the change that came over her. ‘No! She is not dead. She is alive!’ she reminded herself and wiped those tears away.

THREE. A challenge. Nayantara loved to play badminton. She would play with her sister and father. She won most of the time. One day at school, she saw her PT teacher play badminton with some students. He beat them all one by one. She stood in line and waited for her turn. Soon it was her turn to play.

She surprised her teacher by winning the game. The teacher didn’t give in, he wanted another game. She won it too. One more game later, he lost again. ‘Ok! You are selected for the team!’ he said and quietly left. She was happy and surprised. She had played effortlessly and won!

Nayantara looked out of her window. Her eyes caught the sight of leaves dancing in the breeze. If only she could live her life with such abandon and joy.

FOUR. The self-learned rider. She longed to learn to ride a cycle. She had watched her father teach her elder sister how to ride. He had not offered to teach her so she decided she would learn herself. Her best friend in school was excited about the idea. They decided to learn to ride the cycle after writing their exam when no one was around. They checked to see which cycles were unlocked and borrowed them for riding. They fumbled and fell and almost got hurt too but soon learned to ride the cycle.

She decided to take it a step further and took the cycle for a ride on the main road. Since it was near school’s closing time, the main gates were open. She had an exhilarating ride on the road that afternoon. It was victory over fear. Her best friend and she celebrated that moment secretly. They returned the cycles to their places and went home.     

Nayantara hugged her pillow tightly. She now knew why her father had not offered to teach her cycling. Her mother told her that he had rejected her at birth because he wanted a boy. Memories played hide and seek with her. Some memories were unpleasant and painful. She tried to come to terms with them but her pain persisted.

She remembered a session she had with a therapist a few months earlier. It was then the truth reluctantly revealed itself. Tucked away in her psyche was the memory of something terrible that robbed her of her innocence. It was something that she could not come to terms with at the tender age of six. Her mind put it away to protect her.

Tears flowed down her cheeks and a cry tore through her being. She shrieked, ‘I hate my father!’ ‘What happened?’ enquired the therapist. She described the pieces of the memory she had found. The act that her father committed that desecrated her personhood, robbed her of herself and her purity.

‘Now it makes sense to me,’ she thought to herself. ‘Now I know why I felt odd and out of place in my family. Unlike her sisters’ she always felt odd around her father. She could never feel free with him.  

The sparks of who she really was could be seen only when she was with her best friend. She could be silly and laugh like crazy at mindless things. She could be curious, adventurous and naughty too.

FIVE. Fearless Nayantara. One day she and her best friend were wandering through the school when they heard the sound of flapping of wings coming from the top of the stairs. She realized some bird was trapped there. They rushed up and found an owl struggling to get out. The huge windows were closed so it couldn’t fly away. The owl was frightened. “How can we take this bird out of this place?’ she wondered. Just then a helper passed by and they asked him to help them catch the bird. He got a cloth and caught the owl with it. He gave the owl to her. She was excited as she held the bird.

As they wondered what to do they spotted the Vice-Principal coming that way. He was shocked to see her holding an owl! She said, ‘Father, we found this owl trapped upstairs, what should we do with it?’ ‘Take it to the mini-zoo’, he said. She and her friend went to the mini zoo and handed over the bird to the caretaker there. Both of them laughed a lot as they remembered the look of fear on the VP’s face when he saw the owl.

Nayantara kept the paper down. What would have happened if she had a normal life like others? All her life she tried so much to fit in and be accepted without knowing why she felt out of place. She even tried to give up things that made her ‘different’ so she would be acceptable. It only made things worse for her. She could not remember herself any more. In all the years, she did not feel at home even within herself. She took a deep breath. A sigh escaped her lips and she closed her eyes.

SIX. The class monitor. Some boys in her class liked to cause commotion. The Discipline In-charge had already given a warning. Nayantara was the monitor, minding her class in the absence of the teacher. The boys refused to listen to her.

The Discipline In-charge was soon at the door. He was angry. He asked her to name the boys who were making noise. She knew that he would give the boys the spanking of their lives if she told him their names. She kept quiet. She hoped that the boys would understand that she was saving them and would not make noise any more.  

The Discipline In-charge wouldn’t budge. ‘If you will not tell me their names then you will have to take the beating yourself! Put out your hand!’ Trying to keep herself calm as much as possible, she slowly brought her hand out. Swish! The sound of the flying cane followed and in seconds, she was in terrible pain. It was a sacrifice but that excruciating pain was worth it because the boys didn’t cross the line after that incident.

Brave girl! No one told her that. She had done something for someone else’s sake and borne the suffering and pain silently. Some of her classmates would surely have thought she was a fool but she didn’t think so. She remembered passing a corridor where the Discipline In-charge was punishing some boys. It was unbearable to watch it. She didn’t want her classmates to go through that pain. She cared.

SEVEN. The little birds twittered away happily as they ate the bajra grain she spread on the wall. She loved watching these tiny sparrows. Every day she would feed them and relish their company. It wasn’t just the birds, she had other friends too. They included dogs, cats, a squirrel, a parrot, a few turtledoves, pigeons, a colorful bird and any creature who needed help.

As long as she could remember, her family always seemed to have pets. She remembered the time when she would feel alone and cry on her own. Her pet dog would come and sit by her side during those moments of sadness.

Nayantara stood before the mirror. Her eyes asked her a question, ‘Who are you?’ She kept staring at herself and then quietly went to bed. As she lay on her bed, a thought crossed her mind. If she died this night, would anyone know about her life and who she was? Would anyone miss her? Her eyes were fixed on the ceiling. A blank wall stared back on her.

Her days were empty, there were no voices or smiles. There was hardly any difference between days. She began to detest the mind numbing routine. She craved for some distraction, something different to prove to herself that she was alive.

The next morning, she received a call. It was an unknown number. She felt skeptical. The phone rang and she didn’t move. Just as it was about to stop ringing she picked it up.

‘Hello! Is it you Nayantara?’ the voice of a man asked. ‘Who is it? What do you want?’ her voice was impatient. She was in no mood for anyone playing a prank.

‘Oh You seem to be angry! Madam… please cool down! I am your friend, your classmate. Don’t you remember me?’ ‘Which friend? What is your name?’ she asked irritated.

“You won’t know by my voice, we were in school together. The one way you can possibly remember who I am is – just one thing – I am the boy who punched you on the nose! We were in the 8^th standard then…’

‘Punched me?’ she thought. Oh yes! There was only boy who had done that to her. Yes, how could she forget?

‘Well, all that is fine, but you still have to tell me your name!’ she said smiling.

‘It’s me… Viraaj! I’m sorry I actually forgot you were a girl when I punched your nose. You were my buddy! I just got your number and wanted to find out how you are doing,’ he said eagerly.

Nayantara was beaming. ‘Oh Viraaj! It is really you! I am so happy to hear your voice!’ she said. 

‘What are you doing these days?’ he asked. ‘I’m…. I’m on a project, a personal project,’ she replied. ‘What kind of project is it?’ he asked.

‘A search for a missing person,’ she said.

‘That sounds interesting! Can I help?’ he asked.

‘You already did Viraaj,’ she thought to herself. That would be EIGHT.

‘Yes. Of course! You can help,’ she said.

‘Let’s meet! Priya is also with me. If you are free we could have coffee together,’ he said.

‘Sure. That would be great! Let’s plan something…’ she was excited.

The next evening they sat at a table reminiscing their school days. ‘You were good in studies but I was better than you in some subjects,’ Viraaj said smiling. ‘Do you remember the time when we both were selected to represent the school at an elocution competition?’

‘Oh yes! I remember….’ She mentally made a note. NINE.

‘I wanted to ask you something… if it is not a problem,’ Priya said.    

‘It’s okay… you can ask me,’ Nayantara said.

‘After sometime you became very quiet and reserved. It felt like something had gone wrong. I missed my old friend… the way you used to be. I always wondered what had happened to her,’ she said looking at her intensely.

Nayantara’s eyes were wet. She could feel a lump in her throat. She said, ‘Someone robbed her from me… I am searching for her. I feel lost without her… as though I am not me.’ Her tears streamed down.

Priya bent forward and held her hands. Nayantara felt comforted.

Viraaj looked at her with concern. ‘Is that the search for the missing person you’re on?’ Viraaj asked. She nodded.

‘Then I am sure we can help… You see, we used to know this girl… many years ago,’ he said with a smile.

She smiled through her tears of gratitude. 

(Copyright Henrietta Decruz 2016)

Receiving the prize at the Rama Varma Club in Ernakulam, 2nd Oct 2016

The Special Consolation Prize I received

The Rules of the Game

It is an interesting sight to watch little children playing games together. We can see they have a leader who decides which game the group should play. He spells out the rules about what they are allowed to do and what they should not do. The leader has the power to throw out players who don’t follow his rules!

Pretty simple isn’t it? The leader chooses the game and sets the rules and others just simply have to obey those rules. Breaking those rules mean forfeiting the prize or getting thrown out of the game. Both of these eventualities are decided by the leader. 

Well it may be very simple to understand in terms of children’s play but when we have to accept the same scenario in real life, it doesn’t really go well with most of us. We are a generation that likes to live ‘my way!’ and smirk at the rules altogether. ‘Rules are meant for breaking’ is a common statement we hear almost everywhere. For the current ‘generation ME’ or ‘generation next’ living the ‘right way’ is ‘unfashionable’ and ‘boring’. Is it any surprise that we have increasing instances of accidents, disease, death or destruction because people don’t follow any rules related to traffic, health, prevention of addiction or the way to keep peace?

The question is how do we look at rules? Do we look at them as some mean person’s scheme to make our lives more difficult and miserable? Or do we look at them as instructions meant to make our life smoother, easier and safer for everyone concerned? Our outlook towards them decides whether we obey or disobey them.

With rules there are consequences for not following them. Just as the leader in the children’s game decides that someone should be removed from the game because they broke the rules, in real life too, breaking rules have consequences… sometimes very severe. For example, those who use the road as a racetrack may ultimately meet with a grave accident due to their no-respect-for-rules attitude and if they die it means that there is no return to the game of ‘life’. At other times, there is a warning, a fine, an imprisonment or your license could be confiscated.

We may not like the idea of rules, but the fact is that these rules govern every area of our lives right from the spiritual, physical, social, financial and all aspects of life. The universe we live in has its own laws. We are all familiar with the laws of gravity thus we know that if we throw something up it would certainly come down.  This law of gravity is a reality, one that we live with. It is the same with other universal laws such as the law of cause and effect, the law of compensation, etc.

Who made the universal laws that govern our existence? Did they just come to being? Absolutely not! There is Someone who made the universe and brought everything into existence by His power. He made the earth, the sun, the moon, the planets and all the creatures on earth. He also ordained the times and seasons for everything and we are able to plan things throughout the year simply because the cycles He planned at the beginning of time have been going on continuously since the time He made them. We know Him as God.

Everything in the universe moves according to how God ordained. Considering we have to acknowledge that the rules He made concerning how a man should live, where he would go after death and the result of doing evil will also have effect. It is a fact that every living creature has to die and each of them is governed by the rules made by God. Whether we accept His existence or not is of no consequence to Him. He ‘is’ and therefore what He ordained stands and no one can fight Him and have their way. Just like the leader in a children’s game, He has His way. His rules apply and are carried out by all elements in the universe – living or non living. Those who go against His ordained rules face getting thrown out of the game, which in this case would mean ‘death’ and what happens after death.

We know that there are consequences to every addiction. Alcohol, drugs, sex, food, gambling, or anything a person may be addicted to in the end tends to swallow that person’s life and leave him shallow, lifeless or even dead. Too much of anything is bad, too much of salt is bad for your BP, too much of sugar has severe consequences too. Most diseases we have are a result of too much! ‘Too much’ love for anything tends to become a bondage, a prison which is difficult to get out of. God has given warnings to us so we can avoid getting into such predicaments. We are also warned about an excessive love for power, money or anything that is worldly. We are warned that those who live by the sword, die by the sword and that love for money is the root of all evil.

Why did God make all these rules? Why does God tell us such things? The answer is because He cares for us. He wants us to treasure ourselves and value our lives. Just as when a mother tells her child to keep away from the fire so that her child won’t get burnt, in His love God sets boundaries for us so that we too can be safe.

Rules and laws protect us and our rights. Imagine if you made a deal with someone and paid them all the money but they failed to keep their part and didn’t deliver the goods. If there were no laws you would not be able to do anything about it but since there are laws you have a way of dealing with the problem and getting your money back. Without rules society would become a lawless jungle where anyone can behave anyhow, do anything that harms others and no one would stop him. Rules and laws are God’s way to ensure there is order in everything. When rules are broken they help us know that there is a problem that needs to be solved.

Obeying or disobeying the rules God made not only affects our present and future life on earth but also our eternal destiny. We know everyone of us will die someday. What happens after we die? Well, God has also made a place called ‘Hell’ that is also known as Sheol and Hades, a temporary place where souls go after death. The Bible also tells us about a place called ‘Gehenna’ or ‘the Lake of fire’ – the second death, a permanent place of torment of the souls of the wicked. 

Jesus illustrated this in the parable of the rich man and Lazarus. Both of them died. “And in Hades (the realm of the dead), being in torment, the rich man lifted up his eyes and saw Abraham far away, and Lazarus in his bosom. And he cried out and said, “Father Abraham, have pity and mercy on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, for I am in anguish in this flame. But Abraham said, “Between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, in order that those who want to pass from this [place] to you may not be able, and no one may pass from there to us.” Luke 16:22-24,26

‘Why should we care about Heaven and Hell?’ you may ask. I understand that you may choose to disagree with it… However, there is one thing you must consider, what if you are wrong? Would you personally choose to spend eternity in the Lake of fire? We are not talking about one year, ten years or fifty years… we are talking about forever! Obey the rules or commandments of God and enjoy eternity in heaven where there is joy of every kind OR disobey them and spend eternity like the rich man in the parable – in Hell, the lake of fire, the place of eternal torment.  

Personally speaking… I prefer obeying and going to heaven even if I have to suffer on account of it in earth… After all, permanent is more important than temporary, isn’t it?

If I cannot bear to let my little finger burn for even a few seconds how then can I imagine my whole body burning for ages?

To the Future...

In every moment of grief, sickness and pain,
I have felt His loving hand, His presence...
My Lord God is the reason I could endure
the great suffering that came my way
some due to my own choices 
and some due to the wrong doings of others...

I have only Him to thank
as He was with me
carrying me through times when I couldn't move
and felt numb inside me...

I am sure I want Him to be with me
in my good times
since He was the One who was with me
in the hard times.
How could I live and face my future
without a Faithful and Loving Father,
an eternal Friend, a Helper and Comforter like Him? 

~ Henrietta Decruz

CSR - A Heart for Change

Everyone has a circle of influence. What we do affects others around us in a positive or negative way. If one person can have a great impact on a community then it goes without saying that a company or corporation would have greater power to bring about change in not only the community but also in the nation and around the world. All that the individual, company or corporation needs is a heart for change.

Read the rest of my article CSR - A Heart for Change at this link....

CSR - A Heart for Change

Journey Homewards

Among the vast sea of humankind

I searched for peace and tranquility

And I found none.

Strife, stress and an unending story

Of unrequited, incomplete relationships

Despair, loneliness and isolation

Caused by the desire to live by higher values

Turns and turns, bends on the road

That led me nowhere…

Ultimately I realized I searched amiss

In the wrong place for the wrong things!

My search brought me home to me

What I sought was all within me

The guidance and direction I needed

Was given to me in written words

In my haste to taste fulfillment

I had forsaken them…

What folly!

I shut the door to the outer world

And began to pick the pieces

Of my fragmented heart and mind

One by one I put them back together.

The written word was truly a guide

The Spirit who gave it ever-present

I looked back at the whole road I travelled

And learned what He said was true.

Every time I had fumbled and fallen

Every time I had bruised my soul

It was a sign I lost control

Of this person I was entrusted with.

He had given me standards to be safe

I had not heeded them

My folly led to my downfall.

Woken up from a dazed sleep

I dusted off the frivolous thoughts

The vagrant ways I had adopted

In a bid to be accepted

By those who rejected me.

I took back the power

I had given other people

It made me feel complete and whole

For the first time in my life.

I felt I regained my goodness

My worth and my identity.  

Now I stand in a better place

Peace within and with myself

I know I have made mistakes

I know I did much wrong

The good thing is that I learned

From all of them.

I know I don’t want to go back

I know the road ahead is treacherous

But there is a guide, there is a plan

And I have to only follow the map 

That will lead me Home!

~ Henrietta Decruz (C) 2016

Sometimes... - A Song by Henrietta

Everyone feels tired and lonely at sometime or another. This is a song that reflects that feeling and expresses our desire to express our fears and find solutions to our problems.

The lyrics of the song:

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel the walls come close to shut me in
Sometimes I wish that someone would just hear me out!
I'm tired of being alone on my own -
I'm tired of hearing my own groans in solitude.

Chorus:
I want to find my voice!
Share my fears
Unleash my woes!
I want to make a choice!
Be the best I can
Begin new life!
      But sometimes...

Sometimes I wander in the crowds to search myself
There are too many places I've been to - the search goes on!
Sometimes I wish that someone would mirror myself
So I could see the good & bad within me.

Chorus

Sometimes I know the answers that I seek will be found
Somewhere deep within me
Sometimes I dream that I have lived and overcome
All the problems around me
There's an answer to this question of my existence!
There's a reason I was born and I am living.

Chorus

~ by Henrietta Decruz (Copyright 2016)