Musings at year end

I stare at

The canvas of my life

Wondering what I should do

With the lines, the dots and the in-betweens

Trying to make sense of the vague things

That filled my life for years. 

The Canvas of Life

As I fumble and fret about things

That didn’t go well for me

I begin to see

Some signs of lessons

I still need to learn.

‘No wonder,’ I tell myself

‘It took so long for me to get here!’

It slowly dawns on me

That if I had the things I asked for

I would not have enjoyed them

With the wrong attitudes within me.

God in His infinite wisdom

Placed obstacles and detours

In my path

Till I was ready to receive

What He had for me...

Graciously, joyfully

And with the right spirit! 

I now see my life

As a mosaic

There are different colored pieces

Of different sizes and shapes

They all come together

And fall in somehow...

Making it beautiful.

There are a few voids

Still left to fill

I’ve decided not to worry about them

God who helped me overcome

The vague things that didn’t make sense

Will surely have it all planned for me

It will all work out for good!

Armed with a new confidence

I set off again

Smiling within myself

Looking forward to good things

Thinking, doing and believing

The best of everything...

Knowing this time

The voids will be filled

I will be whole and happy

For the rest of my life! 

A black hole

Flitting from moment to moment, job to job….

I filled the time with things to do

Roles to live out

Needs to meet

Help to be given

Where it was seen

Years have gone by

I made choices

Ignored voices

Kept moving when things had stalled

Staying had run out of reasons

One look back at time gone by

‘It's gone!’ my spirit cries

Never to return

I make a vain effort to retrieve

Pull strands of invisible time

Lost, I’ve lost it all whatever was mine

Caving in to the mounting despair

I fret about years

Give way to tears

A sinking feeling covers my being

Will I get out of this abyss?

Time gone by is no more the worry

Time left in hand is paramount

My whole focus of existence now shifts

How will I pull myself out of this rut?

Living to please others has had a casualty

The price I had to pay was ‘me’

Searching inside for some pointers

I seek the voice I did not heed

I call out and wait for a response

Hello! Is anyone there?

No sound… just silence

I look at the trash heap, my life

If only I listened when the voice had called

I would have had a better story to tell

A guide it would’ve been to take me home

Home where there’s fulfillment and peace

A life well lived, a legacy to leave behind

Cough! Cough! Sputter! Spatter!

Something just came back to life

I rush at break neck speed to its side

Ah! I feared you wouldn’t make it…

The voice smiles

Now its time to leave this place it says

But how? I’m in a rut I plead

I have no strength no ideas to get out of here

Just trust your heart

It has all the answers it said.

We combine our strengths

My desperation and its confidence

At countdown we pull with all our might

This fight is for my life, myself and me

Suddenly I see the light I’m free!

Out of the black hole, I’m on a journey discovering me!